it takes two

Conflict happens. It happens all of the time really. We misunderstand each other, snap at each other, and mess up. Because we know that we are all sinners saved by grace, we respond to confrontation humbly. We share feelings, forgive, and reconcile. But what do you do when the words cut deeper each time, and the apology is absent?

Quite appropriately, the pastor preached a brazen sermon on conflict resolution this morning. We were reminded of the legendary Matthew 18 conflict resolution process. First, discuss the issue with the offending individual in private. If the conflict still exists, involve a third person to assist with the confrontation.

That's where the sermon ended, and that seems to be where the blueprint ends. But what happens if that doesn't work?  Good or bad, bringing the individual before the church simply does not happen these days. At least, I have never seen it happen.

I briefly talked about forgiveness awhile ago, but on the flip side of forgiveness is reconciliation. After the work of forgiveness is over, after I declare in my spirit that the debt is cancelled and the person that hurt me no longer owes me anything, the opportunity for reconciliation begins.

The dirty work of reconciliation, however, is not often discussed, perhaps because the truth is difficult. Dr. Henry Cloud addresses the issue in his book, Boundaries (READ IT!). 

God forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to him. Although he may have forgiven all people, all people have not owned their sin and appropriated his forgiveness. That would be reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two. We do not open ourselves up to the other party until we have seen that she has truly owned her part of the problem. So many times scripture talks about keeping boundaries with someone until she owns what she has done and produces "fruit in keeping with repentance" (Matt. 3:8). True repentance is much more than saying "I'm sorry"; it is changing direction.

No matter how many times those hurtful words are said, I will choose to forgive. But I refuse to continually place myself in a position to experience blame and shame. And I refuse to ignore it, to stuff my hurt and participate in the facade.

And that's the problem. That's the part that our world does not understand.

When reconciliation efforts fall short, what is the next step? According to Cloud, the relationship dissipates without a willingness to change attitude or behavior. I think it is fair to say that is easier said than done. Still, we can't continue to pretend that our families are perfect and our relationships, pristine. We must approach conflict Biblically and with grace.

And maybe it won't go well. Maybe your efforts won't be reciprocated. Nonetheless, we can't settle for fake, plastic-smile relationships. We must step forward and dare to begin the work that is required for the possibility of genuine, healthy relationships.