to choose

I believe that love is a choice.

It was embedded in me as a teenager; feelings are fleeting, when I marry someone, I must choose everyday whether or not to act in love toward him.

When I was married, I did not always feel like loving my spouse. Other feelings emerged: anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration. But love is not a feeling; it is a choice. Therefore, regardless of the feelings that exist, I can still show love. I can still choose love.

Lately, I've noticed that my anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration has been turned toward God. This does not feel like the good, abundant life I was promised.

This feels sad and hard and lonely.

I doubt His faithfulness and His goodness, His presence and His plan.

But love is a choice.

And just as I was called to choose to love my husband, now I am called to choose to love my God. 

In the midst of my feelings, I choose to love Him. I choose to trust that He is faithful and He is good, that He is present and that his plan for me is not finished.

Psalm 30: 6-12

When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."

O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.

To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy;

"What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit?

Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help."

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.