The green stub seemed to be off to a good start. A few new shoots quickly emerged from the middle of the heart. But weeks later, it's seemed to have stalled.
Yes, I do change the icky brown water every other day. Still, it doesn't seem to be growing. Plus, the outsides of the stem becomes brown and slimy. It gives me the willies each time I trim it off. I think I may be chucking the green stem out and chalking it up as a failure.
Failure is a sore spot for me. I imagine it is for most. Sure the lettuce may be a wash, but being cut from the high school basketball team? Now that reality still makes me shudder and quickly change the subject. That pain is sticky and doesn't wash off easily.
This aversion to failure is why I have not divulged something that I have been up to for the last six months. Because if I don't talk about it and put myself out there, then only a few people will know if I fail.
Late last year, I began an annoyingly difficult application process for a Masters of Social Work program. In January, I drove to the unfamiliar campus and somehow successfully found the Social Work Department. I deposited my thick application with a smile and departed the building slowly, taking in the familiar sight of sleepy students pouring over books and typing away on laptops. I realized that I really wanted this. The nerd within me got all sorts of excited.
But when you really want something, somehow failure seems even more evident, especially when all that is left to do is wait.
Before long, the letter came. Admittedly, it did sit in the mailbox for a few days. But on a Sunday morning, I read the letter hastily and picked up on one word: ACCEPTED. I was so excited, but my pursuit was not complete.
Working for the state does have a few benefits, including a program that will pay for employees to achieve an MSW. Now that I had been accepted into the MSW program, I completed an additional application process for the state funding that consisted of more essay writing and a strange interview at the government center in Indy. Only 20 employees are granted the funding each year so I tried not to get my hopes up. But given our current budget situation, I knew I needed to get the funding if I wanted to start classes this year or at all.
After waiting for too long, I received a short email. I had been granted 100% funding. A contract would be to follow.
I had achieved admission into the program and a full ride scholarship! But instead of excitement, I felt a strong wave of relief. I was relieved that I did not fail. The mysterious panel of professionals believed that I was capable and competent. And my self-worth was all wrapped up in their opinion.
It is quite apparent that this issue of failure is one that needs some meditation and exploration.
Nonetheless, classes start on July 1st, and I am full of the excitement and anxiety that accompany the start of something new!
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