to choose

I believe that love is a choice.

It was embedded in me as a teenager; feelings are fleeting, when I marry someone, I must choose everyday whether or not to act in love toward him.

When I was married, I did not always feel like loving my spouse. Other feelings emerged: anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration. But love is not a feeling; it is a choice. Therefore, regardless of the feelings that exist, I can still show love. I can still choose love.

Lately, I've noticed that my anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration has been turned toward God. This does not feel like the good, abundant life I was promised.

This feels sad and hard and lonely.

I doubt His faithfulness and His goodness, His presence and His plan.

But love is a choice.

And just as I was called to choose to love my husband, now I am called to choose to love my God. 

In the midst of my feelings, I choose to love Him. I choose to trust that He is faithful and He is good, that He is present and that his plan for me is not finished.

Psalm 30: 6-12

When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."

O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.

To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy;

"What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit?

Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help."

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.

love never gives up

I sat at the table in the kitchen, feigning interest in an autobiography. Some other girl's life. Some other girl's problems.

He had returned briefly to retrieve the last of his things. Not everything, just the things he wanted to carry into his new life. Get rid of the rest, he told me.

Exactly three weeks prior, my knees had hit this kitchen floor when he announced that he was filing for divorce. It was the first time that ugly word had crossed between us. 

I listened as he carried boxes down from the attic and rummaged through boxes in the basement. Load by load, packed into his new car. He seemed undeterred, I thought, un-bothered.

Before he left, he turned to me. He reported, without emotion or concern, that he had given up.

I continued to sit with the book in my hands, failing to fight tears and staring into the small, flickering flame. The candle that was received three years ago as a wedding gift, in fact.

I did not have words. No words could fix this.

But I did speak. One more chance.

"As long as I'm married, I'm willing to work on my marriage."

Despite the betrayal and despite the lies, God had formed these words of grace within me. These words that I had practiced and prepared to say.

The words fell on ears, uncaring.

He took his mail and shut the door; taillights disappeared down that dirt road one last time.

So I take the pictures off the walls, rearrange the furniture, repaint the bedroom.

I fall on my knees before God and reach out to every lifeline. And I see God's faithfulness. I know that He has worked behind the scenes in anticipation of each moment to soften the blows, to break my fall. Each day it looks different; a call, a text, a visitor at just the right time to pull me through to the next moment. But each day I feel His presence and lean into the hope that only He can offer.

And I know that this that I have experienced is not love. Because love never gives up.



*written seven weeks ago

the leaves

October found the trees set ablaze. The colors were vibrant, passionate, intense.

It may seem that the leaves have prepared for months for a brilliant, firework display that is alive with color.

On the contrary, these leaves are not bursting with life; they are preparing to die.

Yet, we marvel at their beauty. There are even tours and events just to see them; we stop the bustle to breathe in their last burst of life.

It is glorious grief. The last hoorah. A final display of their life's work.

And then they fall. All the glory and passion is over. Against their will, they are piled in a heap to be burned, destroyed. The vibrant colors are replaced with lifeless grays.

And the world seems dead. For a time.

But the world does not share their grief, and the world does not die with them. Rather, the world accepts their fate. Because it knows that this is a season.

And their will be life again.

these days

These days, free time and sleep are at a premium. I have taken vacation time off of work just so that I can get papers written and a few extra hours of sleep. I like to think that my life is just very structured right now. I go from one thing to the next: work-internship-class-homework and repeat.

As a working grad student, there are a few unique things that I have noticed.

For example, I leave the house in the dark and come home in the dark so I never know when the grass needs mowed, or rather when to remind Kb that the grass needs mowed.

I need more tupperware. Breakfast, check. Lunch, check. Snack, check. Dinner, check. When I finally get around to doing the dishes, all I'm cleaning is tupperware. Speaking of cleaning, I really need to clean my car, where most of my eating occurs.

The only exercise I've been getting occurs at my cubicle. I do not get a lunch break, but I get two fifteen minute breaks during the day. That is the perfect amount of time for me to stick a workout DVD in my laptop, grab my exercise ball, and move without getting too sweaty.

 I must take a little time to work the right side of my brain. The left side is pretty occupied these days. This project took twenty minutes and was inspired by my mom. She provided the letters and the used dryer sheets (aka ghosts). Apparently, we do not use dryer sheets. I wouldn't know; Kb has taken over the laundry.

Lastly, I intentionally seek out beauty and grace. It is easy to start thinking too much, analyzing my schedule, and overwhelming myself with tasks that need to be done. When I take the time to look around, breathe deep, and soak up the present, I can see more clearly. I have a job that gives me purpose (and pays for me to go to school!), an internship that gives me opportunities to gain new experiences, and professors that are supportive and challenging.

There's a lot of good going on these days. I just wish there were more hours in a day to get it all in!

what dave didn't tell me about... buying a house

Summer is over.

Even though I have spent way too much of my time in the climate-controlled-indoors, I can tell the season has ended. The requisite back to school pics have flooded my newsfeed; I turned on the heat in my car yesterday morning; and I already hear rumblings of a "polar vortex."

The end of summer also means that the house buying season is coming to a close. And I'm still sitting in a rental. I have not given up hope, but the process has been a lot more difficult than I anticipated.

It's no secret that I am a proponent of Dave Ramsey's teaching. We budgeted and sacrificed and finished paying off all of our debt last year. Since then, we have been saving for a home.

Consequently, we have a zero credit score. I knew that this could make buying a home a little more challenging, but Dave tells me that it can be done without a problem!

I started the process by talking with a few local banks and mortgage companies. I was either turned away or given crummy options. I was repeatedly told that I need to build my credit and to "get a few credit cards and come back in six months." The professionals passed me around like a hot potato that no one wanted to deal with.

This was discouraging but not all that surprising. So I called Churchill Mortgage, the company that Dave Ramsey advertises as specializing in no-credit-score mortgages. The man that answered the phone was somewhat helpful. They can do manual underwriting for no-credit-score mortgages, but they do not start the process until I have a contract and an accepted offer for a home. Also, the interest rate on the mortgage would be at least 5%, which is more than a traditional mortgage.

I continued searching for properties that fit my needs and wants. I even made an offer on a home. It was countered, and I decided to let the offer die. I did not have my own realtor, and I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable about the realtor who was selling the home. He was pushy and left me feeling bullied. I caught him in at least one lie, and he was always saying that other people were making offers and interested in the home (which is still on the market now a month later).

So I decided to get my own realtor to help me in this process. Naturally, I turned to Dave Ramsey's Endorsed Local Provider (ELP) service for realtors. There is one in my area so I gave her a call. She stated that she would help me after I was pre-approved for a mortgage. My guy from Churchill confirmed that he cannot pre-approve me for any amount since I do not have a credit score, even though the Churchill Mortgage website advises that everyone should get pre-approved. This did not satisfy my ELP realtor, the one person who I hoped would understand my situation. So I found a bank that would pre-approve me, but they would only give me an adjustable rate mortgage with a crummy interest rate. By the way, that is not the type of mortgage that Dave Ramsey recommends.

For some reason, I went through with the pre-approval, hoping the ELP realtor would hear me out or give me a chance. Right after I was pre-approved, I called the ELP realtor. She told me that she would do some research on a house we were interested in and call me back. Apparently, she is really busy or something because I have not heard back from her.

I feel like I keep running in circles, and I'm not getting anywhere. I still believe in Dave Ramsey's principles, and I agree with Dave that the system is flawed. It doesn't make sense to me that having debt qualifies you to get more debt. But not having debt and actually having money, disqualifies you.

I do not regret paying off the debt. And I do not want to play the credit card game, trying to achieve the best credit score. But Dave makes it sound so easy. In reality, it has been difficult and time consuming! I can't get the mortgage that he recommends and work with the people that he recommends. Now, I feel stuck.

The dream of home ownership now seems elusive. I am confident that it will happen someday, just not this summer.

indoor summer

It's summer time! Well, summer is halfway over. This summer has been unlike any other. I have spent too much time indoors, in class, and in my cubicle.

In addition, Clyder-man has been sickly. That crazy horse leaves us all baffled and shaking our heads... because he won't stop shaking his head! Unfortunately, because of his issues, he will not be going to the fair next week. This is the first year in the last eight that he won't be the grumpy horse in the box stall in the saddle club barn. 

The vet is monitoring him, and we are working on ruling things out and narrowing things down. Lately, something has broken through, decreasing the symptoms. I have loved riding him again and working on new skills. He learns quickly and is so much fun to train. Tonight, he got his butt down and almost kind of did a sliding stop!

Check out those track marks! He's getting it!

Our big adventure this summer has been house hunting, emphasis on the hunting. Apparently, selling a home is not the "in" thing to do this summer. We have toured some homes, but nothing has been quite right yet. I am very anxious to get my own place with a barn and a few acres for my horses. But patience really is a virtue, and we have no good reason to rush this. I'm focusing on enjoying the process and surviving my indoor summer.

spontaneous vacation

Earlier this summer, KB and I went on vacation. It's true; we got out of town for the first time since our honeymoon.  We'd had a rough couple of months, and we had a small window of opportunity. It felt divine; we needed to get away to restore our marriage, and God made it possible.

So we did. It was spontaneous and wonderful. That's right, I went on a spontaneous vacation...words that I have never before uttered.

Gatlinburg, Tennessee was our destination, and we stayed in a cabin in the mountains. I would highly recommend the cabin. It was affordable and had everything we wanted. The only challenge was navigating the steep driveway and winding roads. Good old "Betty Ford" worked hard and got us through.

This was our first time in the Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge area. We spent most of our time in the Smoky Mountains National Park, hiking the trails and taking in the sights.

We even hiked eleven miles to take in the "best mountain views." Unfortunately, all we could see was fog.

There were signs all over warning us about black bears. While all of those around us seemed excited about the opportunity, I was slightly terrified. I had no desire to encounter a bear on the trails. We did actually see a bear in a valley, but luckily, it was from the comfort of our car.

There were plenty of other touristy activities to be done as well. Some of our favorites: becoming familiar with a variety of birds, playing mini-golf, and going to the Dixie Stampede.

I was not necessarily expecting to but I really enjoyed the Dixie Stampede. The food was excellent, the entertainment was fantastic, and there were horses. I'd go again, even if the North wins every time.

We came away realizing that we should make an effort to take vacations more regularly.   Duh!!